I had a bad day. I had a long day. I had a crappy day, worst day of my life, whatever it is, they all have the same thing in common: unhappy times.
The past few days were, well, unhappy for me. It all started when I decided I should at least attempt to help some folks at the XDA developers forum for cooking a working ROM for our Treo750 phones (I'm a bit tired of being on the outside looking in when it comes to this phone). That's when I ran into the brick wall that is my health (yet again). You see, this being a program, that meant I need to do a large amount of clicking (amusingly enough, very little typing is involved). The only spot available for my tiny mouse is on the right hand side, and my right hand being the ouchie hand (presumed broken wrist). Sure, this whole thing wasn't a really smart idea to begin with, the ROM kitchen I had from the previous cooker (who mysteriously disappeared, rumored to have been Microsoft silenced or CIA abducted) was outdated and flooded with a buggy OS, the situation with my right hand, and the whole timing of this plan. I swear, I'd estimate me having clicked the mouse button more times in that session than a single game of Company of Heroes. It started to hurt real bad, so I postponed my cooking attempts till a later date. It didn't help that my internet connection was being it's regular old crappy self, rendering ROM cooking even more useless without some documentation that seemingly only exists online (and not even with the kitchen). We all know how much I dislike crappy internet, and it makes me really really grouchy when I can't get the information that I need.
Shortly afterwards I had this fun (badly timed) idea of, just how exactly bad is my right hand. I decided to try some FPS gaming (which I was an absolute terror with a trackball), and that yielded some unhappy results. Played a little Mechwarrior (I know, not an FPS but still one of my all-time favorites), and it was a lot worse than when my hand was healthy (you know it's bad when your Lance starts to die off fast). Did a little Splinter Cell and Delta Force Extreme until I realized, things are the same way they used to be. My reaction time is slow, my aim is horribly off, and the biggest kicker of all, my hands no longer seem to be in sync (when it comes to WASD + mouse coordination). This explains why RTS or strategy gaming is a lot easier for me, the clever setup of mouse + laptop trackpad meant that with RTS' and their no need for WASD gaming, I used my left hand for the clicking (using the trackpad) and my right hand to simply move the mouse around. This lessened the strain put on my fingers, and basically means FPS gaming will never be the same for me again (remember, I've been using trackballs for nearly a decade). My inability to ROM Cook and FPS game largely centers around my hurt right hand.
I then fell into a state of depression not seen since the creation of this blog (when I was in Germany going through the stomach sickness), which kind of traumatized me in that I haven't drawn since before the accident, and I don't even know how that will be now, seeing as how FPS gaming isn't the same anymore. I was royally depressed at being afraid to draw, as everyone knows drawing is the thing I love to do most of all, even my laptop was entirely bought for that purpose. To me, not being able to draw is like suffocating me; it's just something I can't imagine doing and it scared me.
It didn't help that in my depressed state of mind, I do the other thing I'm really good at: overusing my smarts. When I'm depressed, I go on this brain-taxing rampage of absorbing as much data as I can on pretty much anything that comes to mind. This is detrimental to my health as the less I sleep, and the more I use my eyes, the worse my health becomes (breathing, dehydration, etc) and then, quite literally, my brain fries. I get this massive headache/migraine that is so unbearable, my head cannot be held up without a serious amount of effort, and my entire upper body becomes very heavy (the right-shoulder problems are the cause of this). The only solution to this migraine headache is to sleep it off, which requires me to do some really unorthodoxy stuff: apply as much external medicinal application, and wrap my eyes with a not-too-tight material, usually my basketball headband. So for the past 3 days I've been fighting off this headache in addition to my depression.
That's when I realized, this isn't me. Damaging my health to this extent wasn't worth it. I was really sad to have my health end my fansubbing stint, as well as my health playing a part in my absence of the year 2008 of anime (a year that saw me stomach-sick 5 times). I felt bad for forgetting my fellow fansubbers telling me to watch my health, and how much I could have helped them if I had watched what I ate and slept regular times. It was a good thing that I got involved with fansubs though, it makes me remember the time I spent doing so, doing the most sought for position (Japanese translator), and remembering it now showed me that, the good times roll if you're good to your body. Wasn't there a saying, "how can you love others if you don't love yourself?" well, how could I love happy times if I didn't love my health? If I'm good to my body and my health, then that's where my happiness is at. Being a depressed mangatron isn't what I'm about, I'm supposed to be the twintail loving, ponytail crazed, pretty leg craving mangtron, and being depressed and hurting my health prevents me from being that fun person and experiencing the hilarity of those fetishes.
So I coaxed myself to get that fire back by watching some anime (THE KISSING MACHINE IS DEAD) and re-reading some manga (like... Kyou koi wo Hajimemasu. I know, it's a shoujo, but it's a guilty pleasure I don't feel guilty of XD), and going about the shaky internet connection and looking up whatever pics of interest I missed (tags: twintail and military XD), and my regular old self was returning. Even my mother jumped on the encouragement wagon, telling me that running away from what I'm good at isn't the best thing for me, and that when one gets older it's the perfect time for my gift (my brain) to begin operating at its fullest potential (which explains why she was so against my recruitment of a secret organization back in the 3rd grade). Which I found a bit strange, since this whole thing started because of my right hand, which she knows about (and she was absolutely unhappy when she found out about it). But considering the perfect timing of her words, I've come full circle. Being a sad, depressed mangatron isn't what I'm good at. I'm going to try to draw once again, as I should be appreciative enough that I still have my right hand. I'm going to go back to loving girls with tied hair, and using my brain for creative things, not blowing my brain up. I am the mangatron. Hear me rawr ;)
This post done at 5 in the morning, because the mangatron has too much sleep.
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